good morning post

6/12/2024

hi, i've learned a lot in these couple of morning hours. today feels nice.
i've learned a bit more about formatting paragraphs since this morning. like how to add these breaks in text and things.
this morning wasn't the best.. i woke up pretty early, but not super early. i didn't hear from everyone i wish i did. that's okay because i heard from some people i care about a lot... . i only hope i haven't hurt anyone somehow..

i've made some new friends recently.

my new friends came from friendgen on /tttt again. for the first time in nearly a year. time went by fast this year.. it's almost a lot to bear. things aren't so bad though! i still had a huge amount of time for quiet contemplation. and the lonliness, it wasn't as bad as when i was a teenager. as before i started recovery for bpd.
i miss the summer i had.. my last summer, autumn, and winter actually. the spring wasn't as sweet as i'm used to. at the least, i haven't given up already on having a pleasant summer. i miss some people too. not just the time of year.. . i miss people that i still talk to every day.
some of my best friends. we still are close, and i love them. i'm afraid sometimes of drifting so far that they won't want to continue being close like this.
i'm sorry if this is too intimate or personal, if it makes you uncomfortable and you need to leave i understand. that's silly, the last sentence makes this sound much more edgy than it is. i think i can just be a bit too much of a sentimental person. i cry often.. i told two of my closest friends on the phone yesterday that (and i almost held myself back) 'i cry a lot each day lately. i don't know what has gotten into me. but it's okay because even dumb things make me laugh, and every day i also laugh, a lot.'

i don't really mind if i say some dumb stuff that's too sentimental. i do worry about it pushing people away or making people uncomfy so obviously in my daily speak i kind of try to keep it to a minimum or at least to give a fair warning.

today i might be a bit too busy to make a lot of progress on here, but i already made some! this morning i finished fixing a bug on the home page and i found a way to make the navigation links at the bottom of eac h page stay in line with each other. now that i know a lot of the basics of everything i'll turn the home page into a directory fo r different posts and things. once this is worked out,, i can make different pages for different kinds of portfolio contnt, maybe different blog pages associated with different kinds of portfolio content, i can have different pages for when i travel to, different trips i take and whatever..

6/13/2024, 5:59am

hi, i've been insecure about some things to be honest. i'm worried i'm not going to find that lasting happiness again. that it's gone and i just have to deal with this. you were my friends, my famil y, and now you're gone.

i'm glad this is working out so far..

wow i'm glad this website at least has some decent function.. that makes me happy

missing things is overrated. that might sound like a dumb thing to explain but this idea isn't unique to me. of course missing things sucks.. i'm talking about nostalgia. chasing a feeling of that time when "i used to be happy' is generally not very rewarding for more than a few short moments. i'm a sucker for this feeling as well , but how are you suppose d to find some comfort in the moment if you compare everything significant that happens to things that've happened before?
this is mostly for me. . sorry if it's cringe..
all that being said. the mornings are what i think i have now. soon i'll think about these early mornings and the coffee pots and watching the the sun turn the sky into rays and hues of pretty oranges and whites and pinks and yellows. i'll see my photos of these mornings and think to myself some happy thoughts.
sometimes i can't help but think about wha t things used to be like.. i miss my old room sometimes, or when things were different. i miss working as a locksmith all the time. i'm sad that i can't work there anymore because in a lot of ways it felt so sweet and perfect.. i loved the people there. i loved the walk. it was longer than the walks to some other jobs, but it was also way better. the scenery was beautiful. the seasons were my favorite there. you couldn't feel depressed in autumn when the leaves were red and black in the park. people would smile and say 'hello"'
it's not good to fixate on this now. especially because none of what i'm saying magically makes those times somehow better. even if on occasion i did kin d of find magic in something. it's ridiculous. i feel closer to the fae now than i had then.
i also enjoyed living there later. not immediately afterwards, but nearly a year after i had been out of locksmithing . what i miss are the times i would wake up at 9pm or so each day. i had so many people close to me. i love you. each day would be its unique little episode, and they would blend together given my unemployment, but that didn't mean everything ever felt the same. i loved to go outside.. i loved my walks to the grocery store at 4:54am and walking back home and witnessing the sun again. i loved the photography i had then.. i miss everyone there. there are days where i'll especially miss my sister and hanging out with her. doing dumb stuff and justhanging out with her while she drove to walmart. i felt bad that so many times i had to depend on her do help me with things, to make everything easier on me. you shouldn't hate yourself over these ki nds of things. it's difficult to balance on my head the knowledge that i should have been working but was too incredibly unmotivated to find some place to work, while knowing my last job had split hairs on being morally abhorrent, and
knowing that me working again, at a normal job, would've made my sister's life so much easier. and i can't really even make excuses for myself about it. i know i'm a good person most of the time. sometimes i can be that dumb avoidant kind of evil though.


i worry all the time about hurting people more by not taking actions when i should. i wan t to ensure everyone's happiness and do right by them if they choose to keep me in thei r lives. and on a different note, i want to keep in mind again what is good right now. and i don't want to get stuck in m y ideas about how much better the past used to be. . and other ridiculous things,
thank you for reading this. i love you. i care about you. i'm sorry. .


from sage rosabell. i'm sorry. sage rosabell | bandcamp