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7/19/2024 12:11pm
today is a bit different. i already have plans.
there are many nice things to do in the morning:
i've been thinking about the idea of the dark night of the soul. honestly i couldn't tell you if that is what i've been going through (and continue to) for the past few months, or if it was my childhood. maybe it isn't the most useful framework for my life at the moment, but maybe it could help me to understand a bit..
i want to make things easier for myself. and already, very early on, i've accepted the fact that for the coming and predictable part of the future i would have to get used to a lot of new and uncomfortable things and adjust. i also knew it would suck. there are easy parts, though. what worries me more than the "suck' is that looming fear that i'm going to irreparably fuck everything up here and be stranded
another worry is that i'll ruin some other opportunities. in a way i've ruined myself (not permanently! just for now) over the past year. i've gotten to used to not working a job anymore.. i don't have money in my account and am almost completely dependant on other people at the moment.
there are other things that are personal like this. to be honest, at the moment i probably can't get into them very much, sorry!
maybe i've spoken on this many times by now but my hopes are for this to do something for me. not just to make my life easier or whatever, but for my art and perserverance to really make a difference to the point where it wouldn't be a big deal if i just could not bring myself to work some awful job again.
not that i feel like i 'don't deserve to have to work somewhere that sucks", i've got experience as a locksmith and in sales, so it's not like i'd be forced into some job that sucks anyways. it's just that i don't want to end up like my parents is all.
i want to have something to show for all of this. if i had to go back to doing something again, i wouldn't mind. i have plans though, and every small hurdle, including where i'm at now, prevent me from fully realizing the things that i need. i believe that me and you and whoever else should all be able to lead the lives we want and not have to work constantly and spend half of our awake lives doing things that aren't pleasant.
the idea of making my life as long as possible is something that i hate, or drawing out some legacy or something that's meant to last a long time. it doesn't matter to me.
quality experiences and spreading love and kindness are so much more important to me. just doing my best to be a good person makes me much happier than thinking about making my life a long and prosperous one. so much happier than having children and living through the next generation and such.
there's a reason why i thought of the dark night of the soul again.
lately i've been having a difficult time being her. i just want to be rosie.
while i was still living at my family house, and after i quit working.. in a way i reached her pretty often. it's not a difficult process. me and her are not apples and oranges. we're almost the same; this is just a girl that's sweet and cares versus me.
rosie is the sweetest thing ever. if you knew her you'd have an easy time understanding why i almost have an identity crisis over this. she's sweet, and she isn't so stressed out all the time, and she takes care of her friends, and she's so nonchalant, and she has so much love to give, and she would never abandon or use anyone, and she loves just hearing about the things people enjoy..
there's almost no way to not love her.
wanting to be her again isn't something so simple. i would need consistent income, but not accompanied by some occupation that isn't hospitable to her.
the difficulty here is multifaceted. i do need to escape this; this which honestly at first was something i had trouble acknowledging was actually awful... if you look at my phone now, the screen is cracked. this happened because i accidentally dropped it while i was still rosie. but if you saw my behavior today you might not believe that. i have a difficult time with 'accepts' again, with coping mechanisms; being healthy isn't easy anymore.
it never comes naturally.. i hurt myself. i break my things.
i don't want to treat my siblings or my friends or the people i love like this. i need to be independent and calm and sweet is all.. i need to h ave the income to do things on my own.
i hope that to some extent you can understand now why being rosie is important to me.
from sage rosabell. i'm sorry. sage rosabell | bandcamp